Is there a relationship between empathy and 'tough' love'?

Keeping an open dialogue is critical to maintaining a relationship through difficulties and crises

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had many people give me advice that I didn’t like hearing, yet on further reflection, I found they were right. It’s not fun to realise you’ve been wrong. It’s even more troubling when it’s being wrong about yourself! In our efforts to reconcile with opposing parties or people with different opinions and beliefs, civil yet robust conversation is so important. Before, during and after heated exchanges, having someone who can provide honest feedback, cut through the ice and tame the ego is a true resource. We probably all could do with more tough love, I think!

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Do you have someone in your life on whom you can count to give you tough love? If yes, do you treasure them? If don’t have someone like that, do you think you’re missing out? I fundamentally believe that tough love is vital in life and in business. It’s not frequently talked about, and even less so in boardrooms. Yet, we can all do with having someone who has the fortitude to bring you the words or news that you need to hear. The concept of tough love involves taking a firm stand on a particular issue or situation, but doing so in a way that is motivated by love and concern rather than anger or frustration. Merriam-Webster provides the following, nuanced definition:

love or affectionate concern expressed in a stern or unsentimental manner (as through discipline) especially to promote responsible behavior.

The thought I wanted to share with you is how, to be most effective, tough love should be accompanied with empathy. Empathy, which is the ability to understand the thoughts, feelings and experiences of another person, is not just about being nice. It can be about delivering bad news in a better way. Empathy not only plays a significant role in building and maintaining strong relationships, it should be called upon particularly in specific — and often difficult — situations. For example: when it comes to showing tough love to a friend or a partner. Let’s explore how empathy can make your relationship more robust, especially when it comes to getting over challenging situations or differences of opinion.

Creating a shared vision

As Dr Helen Riess wrote in her book, "The Empathy Effect," empathy is the key to building stronger relationships. She notes that empathy helps people to feel understood and validated, which can lead to greater trust and intimacy. Similarly, empathy plays a critical role in helping couples to navigate differences and disagreements. By understanding each other's differing perspectives and emotions, couples can work together to find mutually beneficial solutions to their problems. A supremely important element for ongoing success is that the couple have a mutual meta understanding of their relationship. That there is unison around their long-term vision and what they’re wishing to achieve as a couple. This shared ‘North’ of their relationship becomes a saving anchor when the conversation becomes very touchy. For example, if you’ve established that you know that you wish to stay together until ‘death do us depart,’ it’s worth reaffirming this before you enter into a potentially heated conversation. If you don’t have a shared vision or North, it’s something I deeply encourage you discuss together.

Empathic toughness

When it comes to showing tough love, empathy is critical because it allows you to approach the situation with compassion and understanding. By acknowledging your friend or partner's feelings and concerns, you can show that you care about them and that your actions are motivated by a desire to help them. This can help to prevent the conversation from devolving into a fight or argument, and it can also make it easier for your friend or partner to hear what you have to say. On the other hand, showing tough love without empathy can quickly cause a melt down by the recipient of the tough love. If it’s delivered in a manner that feels condescending or brings down the recipient, the relationship will suffer. Just because you think the toughness is merited isn’t sufficient grounds for being too rough, i.e., without enough love.