Managing the conversations with ourselves
How to think differently about the difficult conversations you hold with yourself.
I don’t know about you but recently I’ve been having more troubling internal conversations than usual. These inevitably come at times when I’m not otherwise preoccupied, for example when I’m in bed trying to sleep. It’s rather remarkable to observe how the mind works in those times. In these instances, I’ll use meditation techniques to try to let the thoughts pass. I identify them as thoughts. Allow them to move along like clouds sailing gracefully by in the wind. Yet, the thoughts — and a certain associated vocabulary — return like stubborn stains. You scrub the stain, you soak the shirt, and then you dry it. But there it is. Haunting you. I can literally feel these conversations with myself drilling down into my brain. For having done much reading on the topic of brain wiring, I can visualize the grooves forming. The prescribed solution is to recognize these thoughts, identify them as fleeting and allow them to move along. But that doesn’t solve the underlying issues. Much like the difficult challenges of life, one must be prepared to face these pesky thoughts and tame them by putting them into perspective, by finding and engaging in meaningful activity that makes sense and provides energy. Life’s a journey on an imperfect, pock-marked road. You’ve got to identify the potholes, navigate around them to the best of your abilities, but when you’re driving through one, you know it will be bumpy, messy. This is when you’ll need to grab a hold of your NORTH star to help you climb out of the hole.
The Christmas holiday period is a great time to bond and to reflect. There’s no explicit pressure at or from work. The mood is festive in the high street and the ambient radio is broadcasting carols. What better than corralling family, coming from the four corners of the land, around a table for a feast, replete with crackers and champagne? And then comes the auspicious signing off of a year while welcoming in a “happy” new year, with a midnight paroxysm of well wishes and fireworks. We’re conditioned to toast the new year and to come up with resolutions before we plunge back into the gristle and grime of the routine. Along the way, we’ve had time to repeat several times what’s been happening in our lives by answering the question from a visiting family member, “So, tell me what’ve you been up to?” We also get to think about our predicament and the outlook for the future while answering the question, “So, what’s in store for you in the new year?” It all sounds like a peachy keen time… for sowing confusion, if not angst.
As much as the Christmas holidays should be fun, they are also inevitably fraught. Paraphrasing Tolstoy, all happy families look alike but every unhappy family has its vicissitudes. In fact, the happy families might only look alike and happy because we’re peering in from afar. In any event, we all seem to come into the break with high expectations. Before being able to relax, though, many are the employees and entrepreneurs who have to tie up loose ends, complete year-end interviews and bring in the sales number to make their bonuses. In the weeks and months in the runup to Christmas, most families with multiple makeovers and recompositions, have to negotiate who hosts what, who’s travelling where and what gifts is everyone to get. Then, once Xmas is in sight, we get down to the final logistics. As the families gather, the tension rises. Will the dormant spats raise their heads or will the troubles be brushed under the carpet in the joyous yuletide spirit? If the fighting breaks out that’s one ambiance. If the infighting and nasty comments are kept under wraps, the silence can be deafening. Either way, it’s not an easy path to navigate. Once the new year is rung in, we call get to start “afresh.”
Happy new year ... but it may not be happy nor entirely new
So, now that 2023 is upon us and we have stepped into the winter (in the northern hemisphere, that is), the only real good news I can bank on is that the days are going to lengthen. We also know for sure that taxes will be due. And, as I like to say, we’ll be faced with unexpected events that ever so methodically arrive that you wonder why we don’t anticipate them. With the ongoing war in the Ukraine, inflationary pressures busting at the seams, energy prices soaring and economic gloom more transmissible than certain bugs, we’ve got one heck of year ahead of us. At the risk of getting a few humbugs sent my way, I do wonder how it will all turn out. But coming back to the conversations I have with myself, I find my own narrative rather somber, if not downright dark. And, I’ve not started with the health issues, immigration woes, the potential for civil unrest, nor that other rather clingy topic of climate change. Phew! Is that it?
Wait, what about the potential end of democracy, the endemic truculence in our society, the likelihood of civil unrest, the demise of freedom of speech, or the threat of nuclear war(s)?
The state of being an empty bottle
And now the story in my mind is getting clearer. We’re f*cked. And I’m depressed. Wait, what? I’m depressed? That would technically mean that I have a specific pathology, right? According to the latest DSM, I’d probably be able to tick off several dozens of boxes with self-identified symptoms. But I resist that label of being depressed. In fact, much as Johann Hari pointed out in his compelling book, Lost Connections, the reality is that it’s perfectly normal to have a sense of despondency in the face of such lurid circumstances. I’m no more depressed than an empty bottle. I may feel empty. In fact, I ought to feel emptiness if I’m an empty bottle. I would say that I feel sad and not a little daunted. And that’s quite okay. That is what I’d call putting perspective onto my thoughts. Now that I’ve named them, though, does that help? It may not get rid of the negativity, but it’s a good starting point, as I’m becoming aware. I still need some tonic, though. Woe betide the gin that makes the tonic and lemon better. Maybe that is why there’s so much talk about a dry January? Or is it merely to recuperate from the hangover of an overly ‘happy’ festive period?
It’s messy
Just before the Christmas break the world more or less stood still as the Football World Cup excitement, shenanigans and controversies were played out in the well cut, if not divisive, Qatar. The guardian angel delivered a perfect if not prophetic ending to his career by leading his team to victory. And it all seemed so perfectly messy. Inspired by what I observed (and still carry as my own skullcap of a narrative), I wrote this article, “Life is Messy.”
Yes, life is full of ups and downs. And, if I haven’t been clear enough yet, I think it’s going to get messier. A lot messier. So, back to the drawing board: how to manage those conversations briskly and repetitively whizzing through my mind. One potion has been to continue to listen and engage with others.
Looking for community
Something that I feel surfaced since the lockdowns has been a pent-up and burgeoning desire to reconnect in person and be part of a community. Every time I even mention the nature of this Dialogos Substack and my desire to rekindle meaningful conversations, systematically the reaction is: “Oh yes, we need that!” The lockdowns spawned a raft of apps offering real-time conversations on a variety of topics between complete strangers with more-or-less well moderated manners. To wit: we saw the arrival of Clubhouse, Linkedin and Facebook Live, the Spotify Greenroom and Twitter Spaces. While awareness (around 9-12%) and penetration remain small (1-2%), not to say paltry, according to the Infinite Dial (no relation) report of 2022, it’s my hypothesis that live audio chats — where people converse as opposed to type texts — will continue to rise in popularity in order to fill a vacuum. The vacuum in this case is often from loneliness and a need for community.
When you look at the types of rooms/spaces and subjects being programmed and their duration, it seems there are many people who are struggling with solitude and mental health issues. They are often in search of help and kinship, if not community. With the evident divisiveness of conversation in society (more on that below), people are feeling lonely, even in the middle of a crowded city. They are hesitant to open their mouths (or at least put their heart on their sleeves) on a variety of sensitive topics for fear of triggering someone and/or being screamed at. I suggest that an online audio Space that is well moderated and whose subject matter fits within a certain echo-chamber is a welcome reprieve for many. With no camera turned on, there’s no need to “look good.” You can just listen in, dressed as you are, and if you feel so inclined, jump up and participate. It can be truly enlivening. In another weaker signal for our need to bond, there’s also a good amount of co-listening, with 47% of respondents either frequently or sometimes listening to audio with other people. This is especially popular among the younger generations.
In the company of podcasts…
One of the abiding trends that started before the pandemic but took an upward if jagged turn during the pandemic has been the main stage arrival of online audio listening. According to the latest Infinite Dial 2022 survey, 73% of Americans used online audio in the prior 12 months, up from 68% in the prior year. The upward trend in audio listening is surely happening around the world, if not at the same level.
In a big jump, 62% now declare having listened to a podcast up from 57% the prior year. We can now say that the podcast has reached the status of a mainstay medium. As Tom Webster (from Edison Research) relates in the presentation of the Infinite Dial, the drivers of podcast listening are coming from a greater diversity of creators and listeners. I would also suggest that, just as mainstream media has “murdochized” to promote a politicized narrative, for someone listening to podcast shows whose hosts hold similar or shared political perspectives as theirs will prove popular. This is another indicator of the echo-chamber syndrome and how/why we are no longer engaging in public discourse. It’s increasingly happening behind a curtain. We’re losing our ability and desire to engage in robust conversations. Yet, as I’ve mentioned before, there are a good number of podcasts that attempt to have a more balanced approach, showcasing opposing opinions and holding bona fide debates with a civil tone. We’ll need to figure out how to bring back our when it comes to socializing with people when we don’t know what opinions they hold, and worse, who don’t actually have the same opinions as us.
Curing the neural pathways
In the face of so many challenging issues, isolation and ugly division, it’s easy to get caught up in a maze of negative thoughts. I know because I’ve seen it with myself. My approach to tackling this has been first to be aware of my feelings. I’ve spent a good amount of time mulling over what’s been going on in and outside of my head. But I’ve also lent heavily on the notions that kindle my inner engine. I rely on activities that relate into my personal North Star. Writing (e.g. here, in my personal notes and on my blog) as well as pursuing interesting connections via my podcasting, and with online or IRL meetups (my green meetings), are an integral part of my North Star mission. Despite the worrying narrative, I remain disciplined in pursuing my daily booster activities, carving out the time so I don’t end up with the silly “I don’t have time” (for myself) excuse. These activities I’ve written about at length in my last book, You Lead (in the last chapter), but the shortlist includes:
A morning stretch and meditation. These days, I particularly like the variety in the guided meditations on Calm. I also have used the Ten Minute Mind with Monique Rhodes and Headspace.
My daily walks (up to 90 minutes), often listening to inspiring or stimulating podcasts.
3-4x per week strenuous exercise (notably padel tennis which doubles as a social engagement).
music is a must (whenever I can, I pick up my lovely Taylor acoustic guitar and sing a few songs).
A little geek out…
Something that has been useful for me have been the tracking apps for health, so-called connected health. I use the Sleep++ 3.0 app (on my Apple watch) that now breaks down the night into different phases of sleep, heartbeat and breathing rates. I use the workout app on my watch to track my workouts which I then post on Strava. Posting your habits and results in public is a good way to keep nudging you into action. To cap it off, I also use a glucose monitoring device (Dexcom) for my Type 1 Diabetes, which evaluates my glucose levels every five minutes. On top of Dexcom I have a Clarity app that helps aggregate the glucose readings for 90-day readings. I have toyed around with other apps — and even downloaded Humanity. However, I’m not interested in living longer, much less forever. I am interested, however, in living the fullest, most exciting and rewarding life possible. In any event, with this ensemble of data points, I’m able to start looking at patterns. The key here is to think holistically, pulling all the pieces together (including the food I’m eating and the people I’m seeing).
Calming the voices in my head
Not wishing to take for granted the fact that I have the chance and the choice to put these activities into practice, I know how much they help to replenish me. In fact, the first point is to remain grateful for what I have. As a sign of intention, I will often put these booster activities into my calendar in a color-coded manner. In terms of the conversations I have and reading I do, I will strive to entertain different opinions, and learn about new things or new angles within a topic. I will attempt to take stock of what I’ve learned and the feelings that course through me after a stimulating session. When the darker thoughts return, as they inevitably do, I feel that these activities provide a sort of buffer. They enable me to see how and when I’ll be ‘back in the saddle.’ They allow me to put things into perspective. Certainly, having had the privilege to interview over 100 veterans of WWII, many of whom spent 3+ years in the harsh prison camps of the Japanese Empire, and not forgetting the amazing encounters I’ve made over my life with people far less privileged and/or who have gone through crazy hard times, it’s useful to remember how good I have it, how lucky I am not to have lived through a war on my home turf. Yet, do I believe that things are tough and are bound to get tougher. So we should take a page out of the Hans Rosling playbook, and keeping an eye on the facts, let’s learn to put things into a proper perspective and take responsibility for our solution, rather than blaming someone or something else and relying on a blue pill or drug to solve our woes. One thing’s for sure, in that it’s well documented, the more we pander to fear-mongering and feel besieged by negativity, our critical thinking goes out the door. Fear is one of the biggest rut-makers in our brain. We’re going to have deal with a good amount of more doubt, uneasiness and trouble. It will indeed be messy. But that’s part of life. That is the journey. So, in addition to actively seeking positive activations and connections, it’s important to be aware of the nature of these negative thoughts. Having a well defined NORTH Star that I feel deeply within me is a phenomenal asset as well. It’s in this manner that I attempt to calm the little voices in my head.
Quality questions
On balance, I don’t wish to be prescriptive as to which activities you undertake. As a starting point, though, it can be interesting to explore the right questions. Here is a set of seven questions that I have used to help make some changes in my life:
Am I hanging out with enough people that give me energy and are good for my soul?
How much time am I allocating to what’s important to me? (which assumes I already know what is truly important to me)
To what extent does my video match my audio? I.e. Do my actions match my words and my intentions? And when they don’t, why not?
What will I be reading or learning about that will make me be a better version of me?
How am I going to be useful or helpful to others around me?
What will it take for me to consistently put in the [hard] work?
And finally, how will I hold myself accountable?
“We don't rise to the level of our expectations, we fall to the level of our training.” ―Archilochus
Whatever you do, start with self-awareness and self-empathy
As my friend and fellow author, Sophie Wade, has written and about which we exchanged on my podcast (listen here), one of the keys to dealing with the constant chaos and change is to practice self-empathy as part of having self-awareness and giving oneself the permission not to be OK all the time. That awareness is the gateway to finding a solution.
Please share your thoughts and reach out if you feel the need to connect!
Life’s a journey on an imperfect, pock-marked road. You’ve got to identify the potholes, navigate around them to the best of your abilities, but when you’re driving through one, you know it will be bumpy, messy. This is when you’ll need to grab a hold of your NORTH star to help you climb out of the hole.
*https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202212/latest-poll-1-in-4-are-estranged-from-a-family-member