The Dialogue Depression - Guest post by Christopher Lochhead
A Deep Dive into the Roots of Ineffective Communication
This guest post is by my friend, Christopher Lochhead, who’s been on my podcast (back in 2017), and was the chief instigator of getting me onto Substack in the first place. I’m very grateful to him for the idea! Here I am, 65 weeks later, still publishing weekly! Chris is a pirate down deep and isn’t afraid to call a spade a spade. I’m sure you’ll enjoy his thoughts below, as well as checking out his body of work (13 books, podcast, newsletter…).
The First Problem: Focusing on Ourselves Instead of Listening
The crux of the first problem is that most people, when engaged in conversation, are not genuinely listening. Instead, they are waiting for their chance to talk. This issue stems from the inherent self-centeredness of human beings. This self-centeredness is evident in the popularity of non-fiction book categories, such as personal development and personal finance (not biographies). Consequently, people tend to speak at each other, rather than with each other.
To test this theory, try engaging in a conversation with someone new and focus on letting them talk. By not interrupting and allowing the other person to fill the gaps in conversation, you'll likely observe how little they inquire about you and how engaged they become while talking about themselves. This indicates that our primary focus in conversations is often on ourselves, rather than genuinely engaging with the other person.
The Second Problem: Treating Dialogue as a Competition
The second issue in communication is the belief that the purpose of a dialogue is to win. People often view conversations as opportunities to persuade others to adopt their ideas or positions. This mindset creates a competitive atmosphere, where individuals are more focused on preparing counter-arguments rather than genuinely listening to the other person's point of view. Peter Senge's book, "The Fifth Discipline," delves deeper into this problem and its consequences on effective communication.
The Third Problem: Lack of Genuine Thinking
The third problem with typical conversations is the absence of genuine thinking. People tend to gravitate towards ideas they already agree with, leading to confirmation bias and mental reinforcement of preexisting beliefs. This mental cycle, described by Roger Martin as "reflexive" thinking, prevents individuals from engaging in deeper thought and consideration during conversations.
For example, when someone expresses an opinion, our instant reaction might be to agree or disagree reflexively, without pausing to consider the merit of the statement.
This pattern of thought can lead to polarized conversations, where people are more concerned with defending their beliefs than fostering genuine understanding and critical thinking.
These three issues contribute to what can be called the "Dialogue Depression," a state in which authentic communication is scarce, and yelling and confrontation are prevalent.
This downward spiral is a dangerous path for society, as it threatens the potential for meaningful connections and progress.
In the U.S., the Dialogue Depression has created a political and social climate where more Americans hate other Americans than ever before.
In contrast, podcasts have emerged as the medium that facilitates real, unedited, and unrestricted conversations. The growth of genuine dialogue-focused podcasts is a positive development, offering the potential to inspire more people to engage in meaningful conversations.
Dialogue podcasts are demonstrating how powerful, educational and fun it is, when human beings stop trying to be right and start trying to understand.
Being a legendary conversationalist is one of the most underrated and most powerful skills in business and life. We need a world where we can express and “push” & “pull” each others thinking to ever increasing levels of understanding.
7 Ways You Can Have More Authentic Dialogues:
Turn off your phone
Practice shutting up
Practice listening (not waiting to talk)
Adopted a curious (not critical) mindset
Ask “why” 3-5 times
Use the phrase, “tell me more about that.”
Use the phrase, “I’m not sure I agree, but tell me why you think that?”
Because in the end. We’ll either have powerful dialogues. Or powerful wars.
About the author: Christopher Lochhead
Christopher Lochhead is a 13-time #1 bestselling Amazon author, #1 charting Apple business podcaster, top 5 business newsletter creator, former 3X public tech company CMO, who is best known as a "godfather" of Category Design.
He coauthored the first two books on management discipline Category Design, Play Bigger and Niche Down. He's cocreator of mini-book newsletter on Category Design, Category Pirates
and the Category Pirates Series of Amazon books. Recently he coauthored #1 bestseller "Snow Leopard: How Legendary Writers Create A Category Of One".
He's an occasional contributor to Harvard Business Review and is embarrassed about being published in a bunch of (now mostly a joke) legacy analog media outlets.
Christopher Lochhead | Follow Your Different is a leading Real Dialogue Business podcast and Lochhead on Marketing is a Leading Marketing & category design podcast.
Lochhead is a dyslexic paperboy from Montreal who got thrown out of school at 18. With few other options, he became an entrepreneur, then three-time Silicon Valley public company CMO (Mercury Interactive, Scient, Vantive) and an investor / advisor to over 50 venture-backed startups.
The Marketing Journal calls him, “one of the best minds in marketing”, NBA Legend Bill Walton calls him a “quasar” and The Economist calls him, “off putting to some" and some podcast reviewers think he is "over-rated" and "not worth it.”
Your conversation reminded me of Café Procope, it opened in Paris in 1686, Porcope became a popular meeting place for artists, poets, writers of all kinds to engage in debate that would resonate outside the Café into the society at large. Voltaire, Diderot, D'Alembert, Rousseau were among those thinkers, it was a congregation of imaginative minds.