What makes a conversation meaningful?
Tapping into meaningfulness through vivid exchanges
Some conversations at the dining table leave me drained. Some are so banal that they feel like an utter waste of time. But then there are others that leave me energized, my heart bursting with connection to the others. I have a sense of fulfilment. I am moved to act. Sometimes, I admit I really want such a conversation to take place, but it slips away from me. It’s not always possible to wave a magic wand and make them happen. What I’ve realised is that you need the right ingredients to make a heavenly broth. You also need to let them happen.
Have you ever been in a group where everyone else seems to be enjoying the conversation, but you’re on the outside looking in? I know that’s happened to me quite a lot. It’s almost like I’m floating above the table, watching on apathetically. When I catch myself doing this, I start to focus on small details. I listen, but with little need to participate. It’s not a good look. Some topics just completely turn me off and I’m not good at hiding it. There are a number of topics that literally trigger my silence. And it’s more than just small talk. There are certain subjects that are bereft of sense for me. I derive no pleasure. I know I ought to be more graceful, but I don’t have the energy. Tell me I’m not alone! Do you have topics that do that to you, too?
Define meaningfulness
There are other conversations, however, where the topic, timbre and intensity make for a highly engaging, vivifying experience. So, what does it mean for you to have a meaningful conversation? What exactly makes it meaningful? Does it have to be “deep” as this word cloud might suggest?
Making sense
Conversations that help make sense of the world — your world — are what make a conversation meaningful. Literally, we are finding or giving meaning to things that were, as yet, unclear. Whether it’s relating into someone else’s story or changing the narrative in our mind, it’s about some form of elevation and/or revelation. For me, I know I’ve had a meaningful conversation when I feel connected to those around and that I feel moved. These are my two metrics of meaningfulness: the bond and the e-motion.
The 5 E’s of Conversation
What specifically makes a conversation meaningful is always a bit different and it will depend on my own state of mind and the company I’m keeping. But it inevitably involves a combination of what I call the 5 E’s of Meaningful Conversation.
Engagement
Everyone is involved and participating in the conversation. People are leaning in and listening actively. Attention is riveted on the speaker. They are profoundly present. Digital devices are muted and out of site.
Exchange
No one person is dominating the discussion, yet whenever anyone speaks, everyone is listening. The exchange is respectful and generally collaborative. Rebuttals and differences of opinion come without interruption. People are connecting dots and learning something new in the course of conversation. Importantly, divergences of opinion are recognized and accepted for what they are.
Emotion
The participants are sharing or showing an emotion. Whether it’s passion, pathos, joy or anger, it’s personal. And it may well involve some storytelling. The best conversations involve opening up, often sharing some vulnerability. When we apply empathy, we understand what they other person is saying, experiencing and feeling.
Experience
The participants feel that they’re living a unique moment. This is an experience which won’t be reproduced, where words and expressions won’t be repeated. The choice of surrounding, the selection of people, the intimacy of the moment makes it an unforgettable experience. One you’ll cherish.
Essence
The topic is of the essence. The subject matter resonates with you and feels deeply important. When a conversation is essential, it will help you to grow, to learn more about yourself and those around you. It connects you together at a more profound level.
In word, body and silence
Connection with others happens in many different ways. Just like our different learning styles and personalities, we may connect more or less cerebrally, physically or spiritually. Most of what we’ll be exploring is around the exchange through words. But as Nigel commented in this thread, In Search of Conversation, you can connect with someone when dancing. The connection is made in silence, through touch, eyes, synchronous movement and a shared experience. The same can happen through participating in a team sport, especially in a gruelling event. And, of course, there’s the connection that comes through seduction through to the sexual act, too. In these physical activities, there’s the forging of a relationship and an element of self-discovery. And in the throes of a conversation, there’s our physical presence. How do we interact physically? Are we in sync? If and how do we touch one another?
Non-verbal cues
In any conversation or story, there are also the things that aren’t said or are left out. That gap can speak volumes, especially when the gap itself becomes apparent. In the oft-misrepresented research about how much of what is communicated is through non-verbal cues, it’s actually when the topic is emotionally charged — where contradictory messages are being expressed — that the non-verbal communication outweighs the verbal. This article by Kim Harrison at Cutting Edge PR sets out further the way this research has been mis-quoted.
The power [and dangers] of silence
Silence means different things in differing contexts. There’s the pause between sentences or thoughts. There can be a gap before the next speaker takes over. And there’s the silence when you don’t show up, that you fail to speak up. Silence isn’t always welcome or positive. In a recent INC article, the author wrote about the power of a 4-second silence based on research that was done by the Dutch psychologist, Namkje Koudenburg, out of the University of Groningen in the Netherlands. As a rule, it seems that a protracted silence (> four seconds) makes people feel awkward. Patience through silence can also empower. In any event, one thing is for sure: exchanges can be meaningful through non-verbal channels and cues.
Getting to meaningfulness
You can’t wave a magic wand and command a conversation to be meaningful. There are many factors that lead to meaningfulness. The secret sauce is trust. People talk about creating a “safe space”, but the underlying concepts that allow for that safety are having trust in one another and that everyone has good intentions. At its best, there’s some karmic gold dust sprinkled over those involved. If you each come with an openness and willingness to share, new connections are likely to be made.
What helps your conversations become more meaningful? Please do add in your thoughts and reactions!
As we’ll explore next, there are many elements that will help you to architect a meaningful conversation. In the next article, we’ll dissect some of the differences between dialogue, discussion and debate (that’s a whole lot of D’s!).
Hi Minter! I discovered the concept of subsumption and it’s role in emergent complexity in a book on the physics of meaning - and the emergence of meaning from the right but simpler sub-components, like those in your post. And, TADA! - very much the magic wand of exclamation marks - I realised that not just the feelings but the story of me and you itself was an emergent projection I’d made in that moment. And I wondered at this, in a metaphorical way.
To get the ball rolling, I will say that there is no setting better than a dinner at a home to have a meaningful conversation. I think the magic number is five people, because it's unlikely to split into smaller groups and provides a good diversity of views. Another thing I've observed is that once someone unleashes a personal/intimate detail and/or feeling, it tends to lead to more opening up. But it takes that first person.