You might think this question relates to the #BLM movement. It doesn’t; or at least it’s not meant to! I remember watching a documentary that detailed the work done by the Reparations Committee after WWI where they weighed up the amount to be paid by the defeated Germans as part of the Treaty of Versailles. This committee put a value on each casualty, whether it was an injured or dead horse, cow, civilian or soldier. They evaluated the cost of an amputated limb versus blindness. Imagine having to put a value on each life!
Wake-up call
In this context, I had a little wake-up call the other day while talking with a friend in a pub. I was recounting to her how I’d spoken to a pal about the sadness of friends of mine who’d lost their young daughter during the pandemic to cancer. This pal then said, more or less, “yeah I know how they feel, I just lost my uncle … to Covid.” The daughter was 24. The uncle was in his mid 80s.
In my mind, I felt that the daughter’s death did not compare with the uncle’s. It was as if the link to Covid rendered the uncle’s passing tragic.
My friend (in the pub) chastised me for my judgment, saying that parents are bound to put extra emphasis on the loss of a child. But someone without children might not have the same belief. She didn’t say it as such, but I took it that all deaths matter … the same.
I need to revise my position, it seems? I know this is a tricky topic, but I’d appreciate your thoughts!
I believe the closer you are to someone, the greater the grief. Not everyone may have had a good experience.
Sharing a quote that I recently came across in a Hospice Volunteer program I heard for the first time and found this to very well said.
“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly-that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” Anne Lamont.
That's beautifully put, Denise. I've much respect for people who work up close with those who are preparing for their final moments. What else do we live for, if not to love and be loved by someone?
My further thought is that, the more you are close to the affair (including someone's death), the harder it is to have perspective...
Thank you Minter. Yes, I do agree. A gift to love and to know and feel that love in return and yes, I feel the same, especially for families who may have grew up together but lost touch over the years.
This reminds me of a friend’s story I would like to share here, also because it is echoing with our days.
Wassyl Slipak was an Opera singer.
Born and raised in Ukraine, he had the opportunity to stay in France to practice and live from his art.
Wassyl a charmer, joyful, generous. I never saw him angry.
After annexion of Crimea, he first decided to help Ukrainian orphans.
Then he marched for protests in France for his country. I remember he was wearing Cossack outfits and wearing a megaphone. The loudest man in the room was shouting “no mistrals for Putin” a megaphone!
His dedication to his cause went further.
He decided to go to the front in Donbass.
The second time he went there, he got shot by a sniper in 2016…
I remember clearly, in all this sadness, his picture I the Ukrainian church rue des Saints Pères in Paris, the day after he passed.
Not very far from his portait during the ceremony was an image of the Christ.
I don’t believe in Christianity but couldn’t help seeing for the first time what it means to give your life for a cause. The ultimate dedication. Because he knew where he was going.
Some of us felt it was a waste and his lost wouldn’t change anything. Today’s situation in Ukraine might prove they were right…
While we were crying in France, Ukraine gave him one of the biggest funerals. I got to see it on YouTube.
2000 people, some of them kneeling in front of the car carrying his coffin.
In Ukraine Wassyl was a national hero.
The NY Times, Le Monde wrote about him. He helped shine a light on his country at a time nobody knew or cared about the war with Russia.
A film on his life (Myth) was presented to festivals all around the planet.
When I went to Ukraine in 2017 or until last year when we randomly met Ukrainians in Sardinia, every person looks at me shocked when we mention Wassyl (my wife was born in Ukraine).
So in the grand scheme of things. Did his death matter?
Yes.
But it did not solve the problem indeed.
I suppose it gave hope and determination.
Many women and men are now, with this same determination, willingly offering their lives for the cause that matters the most for them.
people with a normal life before.
All of them won’t be remembered.
Dying with a meaning, with a conviction matters.
To many of people
For a time.
Surely.
That doesn’t exclude every other passing from the conversation off course.
What a fine story to relate here, Thierry. I had not heard of Wassyl until now. When you hear his operatic voice and think of its disappearance, it's entirely painful ... at a cosmic level. I found a way to watch the film on YT as it was projected in a webinar... https://youtu.be/643LNm4Y0Sk?t=221. The doc is one hour long.
What your comment reveals for me is the value of the life of someone that served/touched others -- and thus the poignancy of his/her death.
Death does funny things to people and much like life I believe everyone has their own personal relationship with the subject, with that frame I'd argue all deaths are beautifully unique.
A most poignant testimony @Annemarie. I can't imagine the rawness of that feeling of losing a son. And you have had both death happen above and below you. In such situations, one hears of all sorts of epithets. I do like the idea of carrying on with the memory of the deceased in your broken heart.
Another friend wrote to me personally of his experience of battling through the dreaded C (Cancer not Covid) and how such an experience "dials in the gratitude". I am certainly 'dialing' in with my daily appreciation of the Grateful Dead... In any event, Annemarie, I imagine finding some kind of solace in knowing that you'll meet up again.
Coming from you Minter, I didn't suspect a judgement on whatever colour of lives :-)
There was a brilliant movie about a Commission set up after 9/11 with just that aim : assessing the Insurance amount for each death : age, position held, family to provide for....
I have to apologise on beforehand if my post should offend anybody or leave out an important aspect I might very well oversee as this only springs from a very personal experience and that we're discussing or circling around a subject where it's paramount to tread very lightly.
All deaths matter to somebody or for some reason.
At which age and how, is an important factor for the ones left behind.
I do believe that a natural death, well up in age, shall inevitably be less life changing and outright devastating for the ones who are left behind.
A full life lived as a person and together.
My Mum passed away at 83 last year. It was sad. I miss her often. The Sunday call, the caring. The sharing of childhood memories. Our discussions about politics, religion, immigration, life and what perhaps comes after...
But as sad as it was, it was a "natural" passing away. Which did not and shall not alter my life or my personality.
Whether as the sudden death of a young person, a son of 21 in my case 3 years ago, is shocking to an unimagined extreme, thoroughly devastating, never imagined and you're hit all guards down. KO.
It takes a little while to understand, as the beautiful quote in Denise's post says, that you will not "heal" eventually. You will not "get over it".
That even if you're lucky enough to be made out of stuff enabling you to actually "cope" with such a tragedy, with the strength to carry on with whatever life you can come up with,
you will never be your own self again. You will never see life, people, situations...or live in the same way.
It changes you for good.
If you're lucky enough and strong enough, it changes you for the better.
You will find a sad peace in your loss, come to terms with it, accept the cards that life has dealt you and move on !
I'm not a religious person. Nor was my son or my mother.
But I believe that our souls or spirits or....shall meet again later when my time comes and that it's going to be damn joyful !
But Heaven can wait and so can they. In the mean time, the rest of us will try to make to most of what we have here and now.
Grateful Dead…reminds of the song I played each day for my brother, “Ripple”,while he was in Hospice, a song that brought him comfort. I found the lyrics to be very powerful. Five years later , the song, still brings tears and also comfort. In the end you want peace no more suffering. Life…one thing is, we do know that we will die at some point.I remind myself often the importance of living in the moment and enjoying the moments.
I believe the closer you are to someone, the greater the grief. Not everyone may have had a good experience.
Sharing a quote that I recently came across in a Hospice Volunteer program I heard for the first time and found this to very well said.
“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly-that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” Anne Lamont.
That's beautifully put, Denise. I've much respect for people who work up close with those who are preparing for their final moments. What else do we live for, if not to love and be loved by someone?
My further thought is that, the more you are close to the affair (including someone's death), the harder it is to have perspective...
Thank you Minter. Yes, I do agree. A gift to love and to know and feel that love in return and yes, I feel the same, especially for families who may have grew up together but lost touch over the years.
A beautiful quote ! Which does ring a bell🤗
☺️
When does a death matter?
This reminds me of a friend’s story I would like to share here, also because it is echoing with our days.
Wassyl Slipak was an Opera singer.
Born and raised in Ukraine, he had the opportunity to stay in France to practice and live from his art.
Wassyl a charmer, joyful, generous. I never saw him angry.
After annexion of Crimea, he first decided to help Ukrainian orphans.
Then he marched for protests in France for his country. I remember he was wearing Cossack outfits and wearing a megaphone. The loudest man in the room was shouting “no mistrals for Putin” a megaphone!
His dedication to his cause went further.
He decided to go to the front in Donbass.
The second time he went there, he got shot by a sniper in 2016…
I remember clearly, in all this sadness, his picture I the Ukrainian church rue des Saints Pères in Paris, the day after he passed.
Not very far from his portait during the ceremony was an image of the Christ.
I don’t believe in Christianity but couldn’t help seeing for the first time what it means to give your life for a cause. The ultimate dedication. Because he knew where he was going.
Some of us felt it was a waste and his lost wouldn’t change anything. Today’s situation in Ukraine might prove they were right…
While we were crying in France, Ukraine gave him one of the biggest funerals. I got to see it on YouTube.
2000 people, some of them kneeling in front of the car carrying his coffin.
In Ukraine Wassyl was a national hero.
The NY Times, Le Monde wrote about him. He helped shine a light on his country at a time nobody knew or cared about the war with Russia.
A film on his life (Myth) was presented to festivals all around the planet.
When I went to Ukraine in 2017 or until last year when we randomly met Ukrainians in Sardinia, every person looks at me shocked when we mention Wassyl (my wife was born in Ukraine).
So in the grand scheme of things. Did his death matter?
Yes.
But it did not solve the problem indeed.
I suppose it gave hope and determination.
Many women and men are now, with this same determination, willingly offering their lives for the cause that matters the most for them.
people with a normal life before.
All of them won’t be remembered.
Dying with a meaning, with a conviction matters.
To many of people
For a time.
Surely.
That doesn’t exclude every other passing from the conversation off course.
To Wassyl’s memory and to Ukraine.
https://youtu.be/TaTRR073oec
What a fine story to relate here, Thierry. I had not heard of Wassyl until now. When you hear his operatic voice and think of its disappearance, it's entirely painful ... at a cosmic level. I found a way to watch the film on YT as it was projected in a webinar... https://youtu.be/643LNm4Y0Sk?t=221. The doc is one hour long.
What your comment reveals for me is the value of the life of someone that served/touched others -- and thus the poignancy of his/her death.
Death does funny things to people and much like life I believe everyone has their own personal relationship with the subject, with that frame I'd argue all deaths are beautifully unique.
Well that's a lovely way to put it Charles. Every life is indeed unique. And I suppose in the way we see death, we see ourselves and our own lives?
A most poignant testimony @Annemarie. I can't imagine the rawness of that feeling of losing a son. And you have had both death happen above and below you. In such situations, one hears of all sorts of epithets. I do like the idea of carrying on with the memory of the deceased in your broken heart.
Another friend wrote to me personally of his experience of battling through the dreaded C (Cancer not Covid) and how such an experience "dials in the gratitude". I am certainly 'dialing' in with my daily appreciation of the Grateful Dead... In any event, Annemarie, I imagine finding some kind of solace in knowing that you'll meet up again.
It was (is) raw and the perspective of ( hopefully) being joyfully united somewhere or somehow at a later moment in time is comforting.
Makes the fear of dying ourselves go away !
In the meantime, I’m furiously trying my very best to live a full and grateful life 🤗
Coming from you Minter, I didn't suspect a judgement on whatever colour of lives :-)
There was a brilliant movie about a Commission set up after 9/11 with just that aim : assessing the Insurance amount for each death : age, position held, family to provide for....
I have to apologise on beforehand if my post should offend anybody or leave out an important aspect I might very well oversee as this only springs from a very personal experience and that we're discussing or circling around a subject where it's paramount to tread very lightly.
All deaths matter to somebody or for some reason.
At which age and how, is an important factor for the ones left behind.
I do believe that a natural death, well up in age, shall inevitably be less life changing and outright devastating for the ones who are left behind.
A full life lived as a person and together.
My Mum passed away at 83 last year. It was sad. I miss her often. The Sunday call, the caring. The sharing of childhood memories. Our discussions about politics, religion, immigration, life and what perhaps comes after...
But as sad as it was, it was a "natural" passing away. Which did not and shall not alter my life or my personality.
Whether as the sudden death of a young person, a son of 21 in my case 3 years ago, is shocking to an unimagined extreme, thoroughly devastating, never imagined and you're hit all guards down. KO.
It takes a little while to understand, as the beautiful quote in Denise's post says, that you will not "heal" eventually. You will not "get over it".
That even if you're lucky enough to be made out of stuff enabling you to actually "cope" with such a tragedy, with the strength to carry on with whatever life you can come up with,
you will never be your own self again. You will never see life, people, situations...or live in the same way.
It changes you for good.
If you're lucky enough and strong enough, it changes you for the better.
You will find a sad peace in your loss, come to terms with it, accept the cards that life has dealt you and move on !
I'm not a religious person. Nor was my son or my mother.
But I believe that our souls or spirits or....shall meet again later when my time comes and that it's going to be damn joyful !
But Heaven can wait and so can they. In the mean time, the rest of us will try to make to most of what we have here and now.
Just saying...
Grateful Dead…reminds of the song I played each day for my brother, “Ripple”,while he was in Hospice, a song that brought him comfort. I found the lyrics to be very powerful. Five years later , the song, still brings tears and also comfort. In the end you want peace no more suffering. Life…one thing is, we do know that we will die at some point.I remind myself often the importance of living in the moment and enjoying the moments.