This is an experiment! I’d love to ask you, dear reader, to provide me with your best ideas for diffusing an angry person or calming someone who is upset. To what extent does your method vary according to the person in front of you? Finally, what are some things you shouldn’t do! You can also just like others’ responses if you agree!
Then, next week, I’ll publish your results.
Thanks to drop in your response in the comments. You can also send them by mail to nminterdial AT gmail.
It all depends the anger is aimed at whom or what. My recent disagreement with one of my adult children was aimed me! I was very tempted to respond instructively like a parent. However, I simply waited until the person was done saying all they wanted to say. I responded, "I see you have some good points and some not so good. Let me think about it, and let's touch base again tomorrow and talk more"
The next day after all the cortisol was subsided, we had a much calmer conversation and resolved the issue! In the end we both apologized!
If you don't agree with them - don't pretend to agree but hear them out. Listen but clarifying it's not an implied agreement - 'I hear you're saying X and we are seeing it from different perspectives'.
Agree with suggestions below about repeating/mirroring the angry statements back to the angry person - slowly and with as much calm as you can muster? It's spookily similar to dealing with an upset child. NOT reacting immediately in kind is something I have been working on for a while with varying degrees of success! Taking time and, if you can remember, the deep breathing also surprisingly simple yet effective? Resist the huge temptation to go tit for tat - satisifying as it is at the time, it compounds the original problem in the long run! BW Dee
I hate confrontation, so I generally say as little as possible and let the angry person run out of steam. Quite often they don't want to listen to anything you say so there's no point. Sometimes I try to be rational but that has varying degrees of success depending on how worked up they are. Staying calm is essential.
As for calming someone who's upset, I'm slightly better at that. Listening, being there, not necessarily saying much, hand on shoulder. I try to avoid platitudes. Tea is a good idea too.
I also think that listening harder, letting the person run out of breath, can really help. Pause before responding, even if you know (think!) you are right! Try to really think about the other perspective, act like your therapist - even if you don't have one - is sitting there coaching you....
I like to mirror back what I am hearing, to show them they are being heard while also reflecting to intensity of what they are saying. Also, though sometimes challenging, validate with "I can see you are afraid," "I can see you are hurt," etc.
Control why I’m feeling angry about their anger..try not to reflect it even though I want to ..
Then, if by this approach any short silence can finally descend, ask to “Put the problem in a tin in the middle of the table” and talk about it..? Without constantly referring to how each other causes or caused it.. not saying it works every time, but it is at least a good “end in mind” to have, if only to give me something to think about rather than getting angry too..!!
Leave the room? no I am kidding, change subject, pretend you agree, wait, I had to do it recently trying to mix various tactics, propose a solution, wait a few minutes, divert on something positive, all together with limited success.
It all depends the anger is aimed at whom or what. My recent disagreement with one of my adult children was aimed me! I was very tempted to respond instructively like a parent. However, I simply waited until the person was done saying all they wanted to say. I responded, "I see you have some good points and some not so good. Let me think about it, and let's touch base again tomorrow and talk more"
The next day after all the cortisol was subsided, we had a much calmer conversation and resolved the issue! In the end we both apologized!
If you don't agree with them - don't pretend to agree but hear them out. Listen but clarifying it's not an implied agreement - 'I hear you're saying X and we are seeing it from different perspectives'.
Agree with suggestions below about repeating/mirroring the angry statements back to the angry person - slowly and with as much calm as you can muster? It's spookily similar to dealing with an upset child. NOT reacting immediately in kind is something I have been working on for a while with varying degrees of success! Taking time and, if you can remember, the deep breathing also surprisingly simple yet effective? Resist the huge temptation to go tit for tat - satisifying as it is at the time, it compounds the original problem in the long run! BW Dee
I hate confrontation, so I generally say as little as possible and let the angry person run out of steam. Quite often they don't want to listen to anything you say so there's no point. Sometimes I try to be rational but that has varying degrees of success depending on how worked up they are. Staying calm is essential.
As for calming someone who's upset, I'm slightly better at that. Listening, being there, not necessarily saying much, hand on shoulder. I try to avoid platitudes. Tea is a good idea too.
I also think that listening harder, letting the person run out of breath, can really help. Pause before responding, even if you know (think!) you are right! Try to really think about the other perspective, act like your therapist - even if you don't have one - is sitting there coaching you....
I like to mirror back what I am hearing, to show them they are being heard while also reflecting to intensity of what they are saying. Also, though sometimes challenging, validate with "I can see you are afraid," "I can see you are hurt," etc.
Listen.. for a while
Control why I’m feeling angry about their anger..try not to reflect it even though I want to ..
Then, if by this approach any short silence can finally descend, ask to “Put the problem in a tin in the middle of the table” and talk about it..? Without constantly referring to how each other causes or caused it.. not saying it works every time, but it is at least a good “end in mind” to have, if only to give me something to think about rather than getting angry too..!!
Leave the room? no I am kidding, change subject, pretend you agree, wait, I had to do it recently trying to mix various tactics, propose a solution, wait a few minutes, divert on something positive, all together with limited success.