How to set boundaries in difficult conversations and how to push beyond

How boundaries should be set and maintained. How does one go about gaining agreement on boundaries? What happens when boundaries are stepped over?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never really been good at setting boundaries in my conversations. I tend to enjoy the peripatetic nature of wide-ranging discussions. More often than not, I end up in the middle of a deep conversation without even knowing it. However, when we engage in conversations about sensitive topics, it’s true that we risk pushing past our own limits and the limits of others. How can we set and maintain boundaries intelligently, without dulling the enjoyment of a vivacious exchange? And what should we do when those boundaries are tested? Whichever boundaries one sets, though, it’s important to underline that boundaries aren’t sufficient by themselves. It takes having the right attitude, attending to your manners and by careful and just in the words you use.

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What are your boundaries?

First and foremost, it's important to establish what your “boundaries” are before entering into the conversation. This could mean determining what topics are off-limits, what language is inappropriate, and what behaviors are unacceptable… for you. I must admit that I don’t fully relate to the term of boundaries, as I would tend to focus more on principles. For me, for example, it’s important I don’t feel attacked personally. I don’t like it when something I say is called stupid, i.e. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” I don’t appreciate disdain and I assume the same goes for my conversation partner. I also don’t like to be interrupted, and I try not to interrupt. I know I fail in this department at times, but I am ever more committed to listening better and allowing the other person to finish their thoughts. In an ideal world, we might encourage one another to reformulate back what you heard the other say, rather than jump in with your own point of view. Such a practice does the world of good for a solid conversation. In spite of my tendency to enjoy far-reaching “peripatetic” conversations, if I’m engaged in a high intensity conversation, I prefer to stay focused on the singular subject at hand, rather than veering off on tangents and red herrings. Such meandering will render more complex the topic at hand.

Now that I’ve put my ‘limits’ down on paper (above), the trick is taking the time to explain them before the conversation starts. And that’s not obvious unless you’ve purposefully set out to have a specific conversation with a particular individual. Assuming you’ve identified you’re entering into a difficult conversation, once you've established these boundaries for yourself, it's important to communicate them clearly to the other party before the tango (or tangle) begins. The key in setting boundaries is to focus on what your own boundaries are and to hold yourself responsible for how you manage when those boundaries are crossed. After all, that’s the only part that you can control. Most of the time, though, I find myself transported into a heated exchange before I even realize it or have the time to set out the boundaries. This is something I need to work on!

Being intentional

If you intentionally wish to have a contentious discussion with someone, in those cases, you can anticipate it and set out the boundaries in advance. Gaining agreement on those boundaries is not just interesting in terms of ensuring a solid conversation, the process of boundary setting creates a sort of fellowship between the two parties. By posing the question of boundaries, you are demonstrating an intention that is less hostile. Ideally, you both share an interest in each other’s opinions. If there’s no genuine openness to learn, then it’s likely that any boundary setting will have no material benefit in terms of the outcome. In any event, you can’t assume everyone thinks like you. You don't want to start a difficult conversation only to find out that the other party has a vastly different idea of what's acceptable. If you’re going to go down the path of setting boundaries, be clear about what your boundaries are, why they're important, and what the consequences will be if they're not respected. Ask the other person for their input at the outset and try to find common ground where possible.

Manners

As I mentioned above, boundaries alone won’t suffice in successfully holding a difficult conversation. It’s inherent on both parties to maintain respect and show good manners. There’s no reason to be impolite. Being so says much more about oneself, and I suggest one use some introspection to consider why one felt the need to be so. Yes being polite takes effort, but it’s exactly in these types of difficult conversations that mutual civility can help each grow. For example, if you hear a well-stated position or learn something new, you may acknowledge or appreciate your ‘sparring’ partner.

Words and definitions

Another major reason that conversations go awry is because of miscommunication. This can be in the form of a maladroit expression or a misinterpretation. Especially when the subject is contentious, it’s very possible that certain words mean different things to one another. Take the words pragmatic or freedom. Both are inherently positive words, but what stands behind them is invariably different. It’s important to be aware of how certain words need to be defined. In the same vein, there are many words that have been reclassified. Naturally, the nuance will depend on the culture, but it’s key to be aware of how certain words will be heard differently. Take for example the case of someone with a visible disability. It’s now generally regarded as inappropriate to use the word “handicapped.” If someone takes his life, we aren’t supposed to use the term “committed” in conjunction with the act of suicide. Whether these are considered as boundaries or posts in a fence, it’s evident that some people are hyper sensitive while others are more likely to be unaware. Depending on the subject, it thus can become a learning lesson. As a principle, it may be good to define key words that are more abstract. Meanwhile, for a person who is sensitive to certain words, it’s advisable to identify these as soon as they’re spoken.

Overstepping the bounds

If someone steps over a boundary during the conversation, it's important to address it immediately. You don't want to let things escalate to a point where you're no longer able to have a productive conversation. Use phrases like "I'm not comfortable with that language" or "I don't think that's a productive direction for this conversation." By addressing the boundary violation in a clear and respectful way, you're more likely to get the other person to respect your boundaries going forward. In this case, it’s best to frame your point in the first person.

Beyond the pale?

Of course, there may be times when you need to push beyond your boundaries in order to make progress in the conversation. In those cases, it's important to communicate your intentions clearly. Use phrases like "I understand this is a sensitive topic, but I think it's important that we discuss it" or "I'd like to explore this topic a bit further, but I want to make sure we're both comfortable with the direction of the conversation." By acknowledging the potential discomfort and making it clear that you're seeking mutual understanding, you can push past your boundaries in a way that's respectful and productive.

To learn or to lose?

Given the state of our society and the toxicity of so many conversations, setting boundaries can be a useful tool to chart a new path when engaging in difficult discussions. By establishing your own boundaries, gaining agreement from the other party, and addressing boundary violations immediately, you can create an environment where difficult conversations can be had in a respectful and productive manner. The most important piece, though, is having an attitude of legitimate curiosity, where you really are intent on understanding the other person’s perspective, rather than intending to win them over or, worse, beat them up. And when it's necessary to push beyond your boundaries, communicating your intentions clearly can help ensure that you don't inadvertently cause unnecessary upset (or, worse, appear hypocritical). Remember, boundaries are not walls. They're guardrails that help keep the conversation on track and ensure that everyone's needs are being met. In heated exchanges, you must hold yourself responsible for the sanctity of your own boundaries. If you are made aware of the other person’s boundaries, then the charge is on you to respect them. Otherwise, it’s probably better for everyone to disengage. Not all passionate/fiery conversations are worth holding, at least not in the heat of the moment.