How to diffuse an angry person or calm someone who's upset?

Check out the "human" responses matched up against ChatGPT!

Last week, I asked our readership here to provide some advice as to how best to manage an angry or an upset person, knowing that these are two different sentiments. I loved reading the responses (some were sent by mail or on other channels). I put all the words together and came up with a word cloud that clearly identifies that it’s anything but easy. The word “try” came to the fore. You can find most of the verbatim here.

Reader responses

Reader responses for how to diffuse an angry person

Thanks to Sarah, Charlie, Yendi, Emmanuel, Murphy, John, Dee and Jim.

ChatGPT’s hand

I then went to our newest best friend, ChatGPT and prompted a response to the exact same question. What did ChatGPT come up with? Frankly, I thought it was a very good and contextualized answer. Here is a word cloud first and below you can find the unadulterated text. At the bottom, I will add the five key points that I believe are useful in dealing with an angry person and another four ideas for an upset person.

ChatGPT’s response for deal with an angry or upset person

Herewith, the exchange with ChatGPT in its entirety (verbatim, including the prompt):

Prompt:

What are the best ways to diffuse an angry person or calm someone who is upset. To what extent does the method vary according to the person in front of you? What are some things you shouldn't do?

ChatGPT:

Diffusing an angry person or calming someone who is upset can be a challenging task. However, there are some effective methods that can be used to handle these situations. The method used may vary according to the person in front of you as everyone is unique and may respond differently to different approaches.

Here are some general tips on how to diffuse an angry person or calm someone who is upset:

1. Stay calm: It's important to remain calm and composed yourself. If you get angry or upset, it will only escalate the situation.

2. Listen actively: Listen to what the person is saying and try to understand their perspective. Acknowledge their feelings and show empathy.

3. Show respect: Show the person that you respect them and their feelings, even if you disagree with them.

4. Use non-threatening body language: Use open body language and avoid any aggressive or confrontational gestures.

5. Take a break: If the situation is escalating, it may be helpful to take a break and come back to it later when both parties are calmer.

6. Find a solution: Work together with the person to find a solution that works for both parties.

7. Apologize if necessary: If you have done something to contribute to the person's anger or upset, apologize sincerely.

When it comes to diffusing an angry person or calming someone who is upset, the method used may vary according to the person in front of you. Some people may respond well to a calm and gentle approach, while others may require a more assertive approach. It's important to be flexible and adapt your approach according to the situation.

There are also some things you shouldn't do when trying to calm an angry person, such as:

1. Don't get defensive: Avoid getting defensive or trying to justify your actions. This will only make the person more upset.

2. Don't belittle their feelings: Avoid belittling or dismissing the person's feelings. Even if you don't agree with them, their feelings are valid.

3. Don't use aggressive body language: Avoid using aggressive body language such as crossing your arms or standing too close to the person.

4. Don't escalate the situation: Avoid escalating the situation by getting angry or raising your voice.

5. Don't make promises you can't keep: Avoid making promises that you can't keep. This will only make the person more upset if you fail to deliver.

Overall, diffusing an angry person or calming someone who is upset requires patience, empathy, and good communication skills. By remaining calm, listening actively, showing respect, and finding a solution together, you can help to resolve the situation in a positive way.

For good measure, here’s the combination of reader responses + ChatGPT. As I like to propose, usually the best is when the human being is augmented by AI. Does it work here?

When you mix Human Being + AI responses

Minter’s two senses

Diffusing an angry person

I must admit that, on reflection, the objective of diffusing an angry person suggests that we ought to take that role. It occurred to me that some anger is appropriate and it may not be aimed at you. For example, the anger one feels in grief (the second stage). And feeling vivid about certain issues may be called for. But, putting that aside, let’s assume you wish to engage in a conversation with someone and that person gets angry. Here are my five thoughts, that merely represent my personal reflections and are, I avow, devoid of scientific study:

1. Check your own emotions. How excited or invested are you in this topic? How important is this topic or person in your life? If you feel yourself being taken in and getting emotional, it’s probably best to check out of the conversation, because with two angry people, it’s hard to imagine how that finishes well. NB If you’ve felt “triggered” yourself, it’s useful to self-assess as to why.

2. Particularly if you wish to keep the relationship, consider the bigger picture and determine if the anger is aimed at you or if it’s contained to the topic at hand. It may be appropriate to acknowledge how this topic has created a strong reaction. If possible, bring the idea that keeping the kinship is more important than the particular subject.

3. Keeping a measured and calm tempo, without coming off as condescending, is vital throughout. If you don’t agree, don’t feel you need to acquiesce. You need to protect your space too. However, try to reformulate what you’re hearing in a way that allows the person a chance to listen and then to continue, perhaps in clarifying your reformulation. The key is to avoid judging.

4. Like many major emotions, there are inevitably other things going on. We’re complex beings. Trying to use calming words like, “Don’t get so angry” work as well as telling someone to fall asleep. As in: not. The overridingly best advice is to listen. And, whenever possible, reformulate what you are hearing, without judgment. Be patient and allow for pauses or silence.

5. Even if it’s an excuse, it can also be good to have a pause, such as getting a drink or going to the loo. If this scene is happening in a public place and/or where others can attend, they might be decent allies for helping to diffuse the situation. If nothing works, it’s best not to pursue. Try to make them feel heard and let them know you care AND that you think it’s best for “us” to take a break.

In summary, when you get angry or you’re dealing with someone who is irate, the healthiest course of action is to figure out why and from where the anger comes. If a specific topic causes anger, there’s good reason to believe there’s something to dig into. And the more anger we express, the harder the unwiring becomes.

Dealing with someone who’s upset

Different from anger, being upset is less spikey in terms of volatility. Someone who’s upset is more obviously in need of being listened to. Naturally, there are all sorts of different situations and contexts, for example, a spouse, a child, a colleague or a stranger… Each comes with different histories and possible responses. All the same, here are my five thoughts when engaging with someone who’s upset.

1. Acknowledge the upset. Again make sure that you are in a good state of mind. Keep your own issues in check and move into a listening mode. Importantly, you’ll want to make sure that you have the time and attention spare. If not done previously, put your gadgets on airplane mode and put your focus on the person in front of you.

2. Listen fully. This mean listening with your eyes, head and ears. Listen and watch out for the upticks in emotions. Reformulate what you’re hearing and the emotions you’re observing. Allow them the time to express and explain.

3. As ChatGPT says it, some upset people may appreciate a more assertive response. I personally find it hard to know what solution is best, but I try to listen to the emotion and think of similar situations I might have had in order better to understand the person’s case. I try hard as possible not to bring up MY situation though. If the similarities are obvious, then it can be useful. But on balance, the focus must remain on the upset person.

4. Dwelling on being upset may be what the person wants, but in due course, I tend to try to make sure to land on something else. Whether it’s another somewhat more uplifting subject or another activity, that’s how I approach it.

These thoughts are not researched or come with any academic background in psychology or anger management. I would like to recommend a couple of interesting books, written by individuals who’ve thought long and hard about these topics:

• How to Listen: Discover the Hidden Key to Better Communication by Oscar Trimboli (he’ll be an upcoming guest on my show)

• When the Body Says No, Understanding the Stress-Disease Connection by Gabor Maté

• Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age by Sherry Turkle